Step Into My Office (SIMO)*: Practical Tips to Help the Grieving

by Stacey James McAdoo

In two previous Facebook posts, I shared sentence stems/prompts to use instead of asking “how are you doing” and offered a different perspective on “life being cut short”. Because of my early exposure to trauma and grief, I thought I knew how to show up for people when they needed me. However, many of the gestures shown to me during Norel’s death taught me that I still have more learning and growing to do. In the spirit of sharing, learning and growing together, listed below are some practical tips for people who are unsure of what to say or how to show up in meaningful ways for their friends, coworkers and family members who are grieving. This list is not exhaustive, but it is a great start. Many of the things listed are what personally helped me and/or are gestures that I wish I had received.

Friends and Coworkers

• Randomly send “thinking of you” emojis or photos/memes of things they might normally enjoy
• Curate and share a music playlist of songs they may enjoy
• Offer book, movies or mindless binge worthy recommendations
• Make/send personalized or custom gifts 
• Send/bring over toiletries and paper products
• Create a meal train and share the calendar/link so the bereaved know when and what foods to expect (establish a time for food to be brought and set up an ice chest outside that it can be placed in/on)
• Drop off ice, smoothies, nuts, snacks, and/or light food
• Offer to let people know what has happened so the bereaved doesn’t have to
• Set automated out-of-office email responses on their behalf
• Offer to cover shifts, projects or meetings
• Keep phone calls or visits brief unless you’re asked to stay longer (a 5 minute or less phone call and a 10 minute or so physical visit is more than long enough)
• Show empathy (“My heart breaks with you.”) vs sympathy (“I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”)
• Don’t ask “how did they die” questions to the bereaved; just listen instead
• Follow the lead of the bereaved to see if it’s best to share memories about the deceased or if it’s best for you to talk about something else as a distraction
• Ask them to tell you how they would like for you to support them and what it is that they need or want
• Ask if it’s okay hold their hand and hug them

Close Friends and Family

Any of the above, plus any of the following:

• Don’t wait for an invitation or a specific ask, show up and just do or be
• Offer to clean, do laundry, run errands
• Create a shared photo album of the deceased that others can add photos to
• Serve as their proxy and fall/bad guy when necessary
• Record/document important things from conversations and meetings (ie with insurance company, work, funeral home, etc)
• Serve as their handler; help them create and maintain to-do lists and tasks
• Take them where they need to go
• Help them complete the paperwork, forms, and funeral arrangements (obituary, program, policies, etc)
• Say their loved one’s name
• Help, encourage or engage in activities with them that help reduce stress (walking, getting fresh air, going for a ride, watching a movie, etc)
• Be willing to sit in silence or witness uncomfortable wailing
• Help ensure that they are still handling their own business (taking care of the remaining family and themselves – physically, emotionally and financially)
• Write out or address thank you cards for them
• Offer to take over some of their regular duties (pick up kids, water plants, feed/walk dogs, get medicine from pharmacy, etc)
• Read up on grief so you can understand the grieving process, identify the various stages and know the warning signs of when it’s time to bring in additional help 
• Help them identify/prepare a list of resources and contacts (support group, therapist, spiritual leader, etc)
• Offer to help them make contact with subscriptions, bill collectors , etc.of the deceased to close out accounts
• Help them develop a plan of what to do with their loved ones’ personal belongings and when the time comes, help them sort through and pack up said items
• Provide ongoing support and continue to check in/up on the bereaved long after the funeral or FMLA/bereavement leave has ended

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Stacey McAdoo is the 2019 Arkansas Teacher of the Year and has twenty plus years of classroom experience advocating for traditionally underrepresented students. The award-winning Arkansas PBS docuseries Closing the Opportunity Gap and course Coaching Self Expression: Go-In Poet provide an intimate look at her relationship-based approach to nurturing students. As the founder of the Writeous Poets (a spoken word and youth advocacy collective) and a professional development facilitator, she designs and leads sessions that focus on arts integration, empowering student and teacher voice, and promoting equity and the success of diverse learners. She is also the host of A Mile In My Shoes: The Walk & Talk Podcast, the Executive Director for Teach Plus Arkansas where she runs a policy fellowship for teachers that she helps elevate teacher voice and empowers teacher leaders to advocate for policy changes at all levels of the education system and a professor with Reach University where she teaches aspiring educators.