…reflecting on a retreat, four quotes and returning home to myself by stacey james mcadoo…
Yesterday I drove by myself to a nearby town to attend The Spark Retreat hosted and conceptualized by Karen Walker. I had been seeing her posts on social media and admiring her growth, confidence and increased visibility. And I went there alone because I wasn’t sure of what to expect and I really just wanted to show up to support her. In between her talks on boundaries and bliss, I made this craft. We were instructed to find a quote that spoke to us. I found four.
Be Brave
Months before I started Still Standing: The Practice I purchased and wore a temporary tattoo on the inside of my wrist that said “Be brave.” No one saw it. Not even my mother. It was comforting to look at during meetings and/or around people because it made me giggle at times especially when I’d be thinking “this person is talking too much,” “they’re an idiot,” or “I don’t have a clue what they are talking about.” During those moments I’d look at my wrist and internally giggle at what I imagined being brave right then would look like at that precise moment. Sometimes it would look like channeling the Alabama dock and boat fight with a folding chair after the cap was thrown down. Other times it might be a loud, dramatic State of the Union “You lie!” hurled at the speaker like that legislator did my forever President Obama. Or that infamous President Bush-press-conference shoe toss. And if it was on a Friday and the encounter was too long, Deebo would show up and I’d see Chris Tucker, I mean Smokey, leaning over them saying “You got knocked the f@ck out!” Any one of those scenes would cause giggling at the chaos only I could see.
Other times, usually when it was quiet and my mind was loud or my heart heavy, it was the gentle whisper that I needed to literally put one foot in front of the other and walk into public, actually put on clothes, get out of (or into) bed, make myself eat, brush my teeth or say the hard thing I’d been avoiding…and not necessarily to anyone in particular (although that was the case from time to time) but to myself. It’s been a long time since those words “be brave” had faded from my skin.
Live, Create, And Tell The Story
For as long as I can remember I’ve been creating and telling stories. I don’t have very many memories of Gran Gran (my cousins’ grandmother) but this one in particular is still etched in my mind. Julia, Jinger and I were in their den talking. And I was telling them about our recent vacation (I’m pretty sure it was after our trip to Disney World). Unbeknownst to me, Gran Gran was sitting quietly in the dining room at the table listening. When I finished she said, “You are a great storyteller.” That simple praise, especially since I didn’t know she was listening and I wasn’t trying to be a storyteller…I just wanted to share my love and excitement with someone and I had a captive audience…meant the world to me. And it made me think of my momma. Who I considered to be THE BEST STORYTELLER OF ALL TIME because she would always tell me about all of the books she was reading. And in that moment I felt proud. When I published my book, Baring My Soul, I used to sign every copy with “Everyone has a story to tell…this was mine…and I hope one day you share yours.” I firmly believe sharing our stories keeps us connected to everything that ever was and ever will be…at the same time. It reminds us that we aren’t alone and we are all connected.
Fall in love with as many things as possible
The other day my good friend and unofficial coach reminded me of how much growth and ground I’ve covered in particular over these last four months…she pointed out how I have gone from uncertainty to “creating a whole new world of wonder, adventure, and peace!” And that, too, made me smile and proud. Before I ever read or heard about neuroplasticity I instinctively knew I needed my “never have I ever” experiences not to erase my grief and pain or pretend it wasn’t there, but to build new memories and experience pieces of joy alongside it. And what I discovered by doing that, is that I was no longer living in the past and instead I was (or am) bringing Norel with me into the present.
He loved life (and chilling) so much that I KNOW he would be excited for my new adventures and would be cheering me on (especially if he were able to see the changes to the house, my she-shed and this dope hammock). In fact I’m smiling now because I can feel the love from his big beautiful smile, the silly face he used to make at me and his excited squeals and movements.
You can never have too much happy
I have seven huge trees in my backyard that provide a home and happiness to so many animals, bugs and creatures. While sitting in my “she-shed” (or lying on the hammock as I am currently while writing this piece) the sounds and sights of life and happiness envelop you. Just a few minutes ago the branches of one of the trees were waving as one squirrel chased another one up, down and around the tree. In between the “awk awk awk” sounds of a crow or hawk flying over the house, you can clearly hear the clicking, raspy chirping of the Katydids repeatedly saying “katy-did, katy-didn’t” “katy-did, katy-didn’t” and the buzzing of the cicadas coming from trees. It’s also not unusual to see rabbits dashing through the yard. And we won’t talk about the family of baby raccoons I saw come out of hiding one night from one of the trees. But what I do want to talk about are the hummingbirds that I didn’t know lived here until I recently purchased a feeder. It’s been said that hummingbirds can recognize human faces and remember voices. And as I stood next to my feeder the other day feeling like the Black Snow White with hummingbirds dancing all around me, I wondered if that was true. I also wondered how living in this house for 27 years I had never noticed them before because the feeder did not create the birds…they’ve always been here. It just gave them a reason to fly lower to my level/line of sight. That’s how I imagine joy and happiness are. They’re always there perched, watching and waiting for you to invite them into your heart/life.
As I reflect on the craft that I made yesterday and the event in its entirety, I realize now that this this retreat craft wasn’t just a project and that although I was in a different town where I barely knew anyone in the room….The Spark Retreat allowed me an opportunity to return back home to myself.
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Stacey McAdoo, the 2019 Arkansas Teacher of the Year, has dedicated over twenty years to advocating for traditionally underrepresented students and educators. Her relationship-based approach to education is featured in the award-winning Arkansas PBS docuseries Closing the Opportunity Gap and her specialized course, Coaching Self-Expression: Go-In Poet.
As the founder of the Writeous Poets (a spoken word and youth advocacy collective) and an expert professional development facilitator, Stacey designs transformative sessions centered on arts integration, equity, and empowerment. She currently serves as a professor at Reach University and the national Managing Director of Learning & Development for Teach Plus. Additionally, she is the host of the A Mile In My Shoes: The Walk & Talk Podcast and the founder of Still Standing: The Practice, a community for resilient women who, to the world’s astonishment and surprise, continue to stand and thrive despite life’s most unimaginable challenges.
Still Stacey 